On 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘦𝘤𝘩𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴... ⁣
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Let’s face it. Sometimes we just don’t know what to say.⁣
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We create these visions of ourselves and hold ourselves to their standards — how to dress, how to act, how to speak. ⁣
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We visualize scenarios in our heads as our minds and egos make stories of what 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 happen and what we will say in that moment. ⁣
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Do you remember the last time you were in a group discussion, business meeting or at a dinner-party? Do you remember a situation where individuals around you spoke one at a time, and you knew you would have to speak eventually. ⁣
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Were you listening to what everyone else was saying...or were you thinking about what 𝘠𝘖𝘜 would share when you got the microphone? ⁣
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It’s human nature to do this — to let our minds wander off, losing themselves within a labyrinth of intricate thoughts and elaborate potential plot-lines. We imagine what it is we will say, how others will react.⁣
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We even rehearse what it is we will say in our heads, editing the words, phrases and even our verbal pronunciations. ⁣
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But maybe, 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘖𝘒 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘦𝘤𝘩𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴. ⁣
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Maybe, being speechless is actually beautiful.⁣
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When you’re fully present with whatever is going on around you, your mind is peacefully empty. ⁣
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Have trust that you will say what is needed to be said when it is also needed to be heard, knowing that if no words come out at all — it’s OK to be speechless. ⁣
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There’s a lot you can say without speaking.

#UltravioletThoughts #Ultraviolet #Thoughts #Ultraviolet #UltravioletAsana #Writing #Yoga #Spiritual #Spirituality#Consciousness #SourceMessage #FemaleHustler #Mindfulness#Manifestation #LawofAttraction #AbrahamHicks #AlanWatts#Philosophy #TheCosmos #Universe #spiritual #love #spirituality #meditation #spiritualawakening #yoga #ChicanoPark #BarrioLogan

Around 7 months ago I woke up on a cold concrete floor.

There were at least 10 people circled around me. I tried to lift my head but felt the warm palms of a stranger's hands cradling the back of my skull. 

"Don't move" he said.

I began crying and screaming out, not knowing what had happened. Not knowing why someone was yelling that I could die because this stranger lifted my head. Not knowing why my friend was talking to a 9-1-1 dispatcher above me or why my other one was crying. 

I remembered being hungry and wanting pizza. That whole night I had a strange feeling something was going to happen. I went to class, work, the gym and went out with friends. I had recently stopped going out but decided to step out for a friend's birthday, decided to switch things up.

But the whole night there was this constant chatter of ruminating thoughts playing in my head and it was almost as if all of the violinists in the orchestra within my head were hitting their melodic climax. I remember ordering pizza and being really annoyed with the cashier as he took a long time to explain what a "grandma slice" was. 

I asked the EMTs on the scene if I was going to die. I had this unshakable fear that I might die, but I knew deep down my time wasn't up. No one would answer me. It was in the moment I was being wheeled into a stretcher that a firefighter looked at me in the eye. I asked him if I was going to die and told him "I had a lot of things to do,"

"Of course you're not going to die sweetie you're going to be fine," he grinned and hopped out of the ambulance. 

It doesn't take a genius to acknowledge that our lives are compilations of our experiences. We can't arrive at our destination without taking X mode of transportation to get there. But we do have certain "tower" experiences we carry with us. 

My life so far has pretty much been a series of those tower experiences. 

I remember struggling a lot in adolescence. I was always searching for something more. Always feeling connected to something larger than myself. Always running towards the next thing. From an early age I felt like I was ready to go. I've always had this restlessness with an unnameable cause. 

As I began running towards some mysterious and undefined goal, the universe began throwing in some "roadblocks" for me to hurdle over. Fighting and abuse in the home, financial insecurity, a feeling or perception of lack of approval from peers and parents; depression and anxiety which later manifested into an eating disorder.

But, roadblocks are not closed-doorways. They're actually beautifully decorated, open gateways to new hallways you never even thought of walking down.

A few tower moments later I was a journalist on Long Island. I was driving to cover a sporting event driving down the Long Island Sound when I slammed into the car in front of me. 

Instead of hitting the break, I hit the gas. My car began pushing into me one inch at a time, and with each moment of contraction I became more and more aware of one pressing question ​— how did I get here?

I decided to move to California. I applied for a few jobs and was hired right away as a college student for a paid position at a newspaper. I said yes, worked day and night for three months, donated most of my possessions and drove across the country in three days flat.

When you're in alignment with the universe the tower moments stay at bay as they truly only exist to bring you into alignment with your predetermined path.

I believe we raise our hands and volunteer before we start this human experience. We set intentions, as we do in our yoga practice, for what it is we will accomplish on Earth. What it is we will accomplish in this particular lifetime.

And for some, the journey to that self-actualization is smooth but for others, it takes one, two, or a lifetime of tower moments to show them the right path. 

I was wheeled into that MRI with tears streaming down my face, shaking. Not knowing if I had cracked my skull, not knowing what caused me to lose consciousness in the first place, not knowing how I would pay my bills if I was injured or how I would live my life if I had permanent brain damage. 

And yet I felt so calm, as I placed one hand on my belly and the other on my heart. A gesture I had done many times before in my yoga practice. 

I still wonder how colorful my brain looked in that MRI that night as I drew attention to my inhales entering my body and exhales leaving it. 

In that moment I made a decision to change. To actually allow the bricks of my unstable tower to crumble down. To flow with life instead of crash against it.

A month or so later I quit my job as a journalist and enrolled in a 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training Program. 

Since graduating YTT in May I have been meditating on my journey, my growth and my future. 

How can I use my education and couple of years of experience in journalism and media to spread knowledge, wisdom & insight?⁣⁣
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How can I use these tools — my Upaya or “skillful means,” to help others self-actualize? ⁣⁣
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I can live ultravioletly- without boundaries. Living ultravioletly means always consciously choosing love, light and healing to help others on their life path.

My tools? Yoga, philosophy, curiosity and love.

Ultraviolet Asana is a personalized yoga plan created for you based off of what your energetic and physical needs are. Utilizing Ultraviolet Asana YouTube videos, unique and hand-crafted journaling prompts and meditations I will create a personalized monthly calendar for you to begin or deepen your yoga practice.

Through yoga and mediation I hope you are able to avoid those tower moments and bring yourself back to that intention you set for this lifetime however long ago you were born. My intentions for this program are to provide you the space and tools to overcome perceived obstacles and barriers ⁠— energetically and physically ⁠— and help reroute you to your true path.

With love, with light, with courage and vulnerability. Ultravioletly.

There is beauty In the moments of quiet ⁣
The pause⁣
The reflection⁣
The break⁣
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There is beauty in the down-time. The meditation. The moment of quiet which exists between awaking and arising in the morning. ⁣
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The moment your head hits your pillow, your eyes close and your mind drifts off.⁣
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There is beauty in the quiet moments ⁣
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Allow yourself some moments of quiet⁣
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Turn off your TV, iPhone and computer and Tune into yourself. It is in the moments of quiet that the essence of your true self is revealed to you. ❤️⁣
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#UltravioletThoughts #Ultraviolet #Thoughts #Writing #Yoga #Spiritual #Spirituality #Consciousness #SourceMessage #FemaleHustler #Mindfulness #Manifestation #LawofAttraction #AbrahamHicks #AlanWatts #Philosophy #TheCosmos #Universe #spiritual #love #spirituality #meditation #spiritualawakening #yoga #UltravioletAsana⁣

​When I originally reached out to a photographer about getting my photos taken I was super nervous. ⁣
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I had created this story in my head — several stories — about the whole thing. The first story was that people who had photo shoots done were narcissistic and by doing so I would be too. ⁣
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The second story I created was that I wasn’t “good enough” to have my photos taken. I wasn’t “hot” or conventionally “sexy,” therefore I wasn’t the type of person who should model for photos. ⁣
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Another story I created in my head was that I had to alter my physical appearance before doing the pictures. I had to wear a full face of makeup, straighten my hair and buy a whole new wardrobe before I met up with him. ⁣
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I decided to journal and talk to friends and family about it before I reached out — their response? I am a new professional, why not get new photos taken to represent that career change?⁣
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I also knew deep down that it’s 2019 and in order to share my words & thoughts I need to have beautiful captivating images to reel people in...⁣
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And, finally, I realized — I could just show up as myself. The past few weeks I haven’t been wearing makeup and I’ve been wearing my hair naturally, and it’s funny how many people have asked me how old I am (because I look so young to them without makeup on) or what nationality I am. ⁣
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But for me, going natural has a whole other meaning that I’ll have to explain in another post. ⁣So here I am makeup-less with bags under my eyes and a bloated PMS belly at 6am at my favorite hiking spot...
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The purpose of this post is to encourage you to STOP CREATING STORIES IN YOUR HEAD! Stop trapping yourself in a box of things you can’t/can or should/shouldn’t do. You are a multidimensional being. ⁣
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Additionally, you are so so so worthy of everything beautiful in this world. You are worthy of running through flower fields and taking photos if you want. You are worthy of that $6 Kombucha drink if you want. You are worthy of sitting at that table with those you look up to and if there’s no seat available, pull up a chair. ⁣
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You are wholeheartedly so worthy of it all — just the way you are. Enjoy your week. 💕✨

The other night I was feeling really down. I've been preparing to teach my first "legit" yoga class this upcoming weekend and I needed to practice. Her and I went to a gorgeous beach where we had to walk down a cliff and past train-tracks. It was one of my favorite spots, one I hadn't been to in a while. And, although I was at one of my favorite places, with one of my favorite people, doing one of my favorite things — I couldn't focus. I couldn't be present. I couldn't relax into the present moment and enjoy it. Instead, I got so down on myself for accidentally cuing the right foot instead of the left in a sequence, that I gave up.

Her and I had a heart-to-heart conversation after. I finally caved-in. I realized I had been avoiding my emotions, fears and anxieties by filling my schedule with perceived "tasks," leaving no free time for myself.

The result?

Burnout, lack of gratitude, confusion and above all else a loss of touch with the magic of the present-moment.

Last night I did a heart-chakra meditation, did some journaling and reflected.  I cried, a lot. I visualized myself doing what I love, teaching yoga. I visualized myself helping others. I visualized myself laughing and smiling brightly. 

And this morning I woke up feeling a little different. A little lighter. The flat tire on my way to work this morning (typical Mercury Retrograde!!) couldn't dim my shine. 

My secret?

GRATITUDE!! GRATITUDE!! GRATITUDE!!

Here are 5 ways you can ground-down into the present moment and rediscover joy using gratitude:

1. Leave the victim mentality at the door. Remember, the universe is on your side. Every "missed opportunity," is really an answer to a prayer or wish. You are not a victim of this life, you are actually a victor, so lucky to be given it.

2. Reflect. Reflect. Reflect. Get out a journal, pen & paper or the notes app on your phone. Visualize where you were one, two, three or four years ago. Think back to every moment which lead up to this one, every stepping stone you took to bring you to this point. Realize how far you've come. Every time you wanted to give up, you didn't. And even if there were moments where you slipped, you picked yourself up and kept walking. Find gratitude in your resilience.

3. Thank those who have helped you along your journey. Don't just write a list of those who you are thankful for, actually verbally thank them. Reach out to your friends, family, loved ones, co-workers and cheer-leaders and express gratitude for their involvement in your journey.  

4.  Smell the roses. Enjoy the small-stuff. Buy yourself some flowers at the market, or stop and look at the trees on the sidewalk. Look up at the sky above you when you walk into work. Go to the beach on your lunch-break. Eat the damn chocolate or drink the glass of wine. Laugh. Cry. Laugh again. Live your life, really truly live it. 

5. Open up, connect, "tune-in." Make eye contact with the people you come across each day. Smile! Ask the cashier how his/her/their day is going. Thank the janitor you see in the hallway of your building. Say hello to the man who sits next to you at the lunch-counter. Get to know people on a deeper-level. Invite and initiate soul-conversations with others. Ask people about what makes their eyes light up, what makes them passionate, what they have gratitude for. Realize that we all have so much to be grateful for. ​

I’ve been wanting to write for a while now but like most overtired and overworked college students at the end of a semester, my brain has become sedimentary and incapable of advanced thought.

The nice thing about studying at a university, writing papers for classes or writing stories as an intern is you are given assignments. If you’re not given an assignment, you are given a general audience to write for. Or topic to write about. Or event to cover.

But when you just withdrew from college to move across the country your mind becomes cluttered. Cluttered and fast. And with every day leading up to moving day comes an increased sense of urgency and restlessness as fast and fleeting as a run-on sentence that makes you cringe.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I have to.

I believe that I have a higher calling. That we all have higher callings.

I believe that every person on this planet is in the place they are supposed to be in at any given moment.

I believe that life is not linear.

I believe that life is not perfect at all and perfectionism should not be a goal to work towards but instead a concept to run away from.

But I didn’t always think this.

Growing up I was a perfectionist. Starting as early as age 15 I would wake up at 4:30 a.m. and go outside in the pitch-black, uninviting cold which is upstate New York, and I would run. A lot. Like six miles.

And it was easy for me, to do that. That’s what you were supposed to do. That’s what every successful person did, right? They ran six miles before their school day. They had a job. They were on a sports team. They had good grades. They had a boyfriend. They had the perfect social media presence, the perfect body, the popular friends, good grades.

But, did they have the perfect mind?

When you look back on old memories, old relationships and past experiences you see them with a distorted, overly optimistic perspective. You see the smiles, the Instagram “likes”, the laughs.

But you don’t see the time spent feeling alone in a crowded room. Constantly uneasy. The restlessness.

You don’t see the bags under your eyes, the broken heart, the anxiety attacks, your shrinking body in the mirror. The nights spent on your bedroom floor with your back to the door grieving over your imperfections. Shaming yourself into believing that you are inadequate and unworthy of love, success or happiness because you do not fit into the mold that you have developed in your mind.

When you are a perfectionist, your own vision of yourself becomes so distorted that every compliment dealt to you is turned into a new standard which you must overcome or a new goal you must achieve. By constantly achieving for “perfect” you are missing out on all of the imperfections that make life beautiful.

Now I’m not saying you should live life complacent with no goals, aspirations or motivations. I’m saying that by following your intuition you can live a truly perfect life but you must first detach yourself from perfectionism and the limits which it places on you.

What if instead of killing yourself every day in a rat-race routine and jam-packed schedule which leave you feeling depleted, emotionless and in-human—you followed your intuition?

Yes, you need to have a job to pay the bills and take care of yourself. Yes, that job may not be the one you want or the one you went to college for. But what if while being at said job you used your free time, not on constructing a so called “perfect” version of yourself, but on working on developing the passion that is your higher calling? And what if, over time, that development grew so large that it took a life of its own and one day you were able to pay the bills with it?

What if instead of trying to fit-in with a specific crowd or pouring your attention into toxic friendships, you tried to make new ones? What if instead of sitting in a room of people who obviously do not share the same ideologies as you you walked next-door? What if instead of moving from partner to partner you opened your eyes to the person who was sitting in front of you all along? What if instead of constantly swiping right and left and tindering and bumbling and OK Cupiding, you looked up from your phone?

What if instead of spending your money on getting trashed at bars or house parties you spent it on a yoga membership or new books or new experiences that enrich your life and mind and soul instead of destroy your body?

The steps described above may seem unusual to you and that’s because society tells us that if we follow the beaten path, that that curves and winds and twists instead of the linear one which it places us on from birth, that we will be unsuccessful. Society teaches us that we must work our entire lives, climbing the capitalistic corporate ladder, so we can achieve some sort of “perfect” standard of living that leaves us stuck. Society tells us that we must always pine for more, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing until you consider what it wants you to have more of.

Society wants you to have more noise or more stuff. It makes you feel like you need to have it all. Handbags, shoes, furniture, cars, make up. It makes you feel like you have to have the perfect body and tells you the only way to obtain it is through supplements, diet programs and instagram-filters. It tells you you have to have beautiful hair and clear skin, courtesy of beauty products it pushes on you with a 75 billion U.S. dollar advertising industry. It tells you you must take out hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans (if you are lucky enough to even be able to do this) which you will spend the rest of your life paying off at a job you absolutely hate.

And all of this makes us emotionless and robotic souls who have to resort to dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, OKCupid and the like and swipe away our love-lives, dating random strangers, to try to feel something. But of course, it also tells you that the perfect person doesn’t have feelings. The perfect person doesn’t need a relationship. Deep, true love is too messy for the perfect person. The perfect person just needs someone to pose with for a picture on a Ferris-wheel for “likes.”
If I have learned anything during my mere 20 years on the planet, it is that I am not perfect.

I don’t want to spend my nights drinking at bars or parties and spend my money on Ubers and Lyfts and tequila shots just to kiss strangers and have them tell me I’m cute.

While I value education and acknowledge how lucky I am to be able to attend college, I will not study what society promises me will give me a job. I will study what enriches my soul and I will love every second of it. I will not cheat my way through school in classes I hate in topics that don’t bring me to my higher power. I will pursue what sets my heart and mind on fire.

I will not pour my energy into friendships that leave me feeling empty, exhausted or uncomfortable. I want to instead spend my time watering the friendships that leave me feeling safe, loved and light.

I don’t want to spend my paychecks on manicures or Kate Spade bags or Chipotle (even though it tastes pretty damn good).

I don’t want to live a perfect life anymore. Being perfect is anything from perfection and is simply not worth it.

I challenge you to pause and reevaluate who you are and what your higher calling is. Listen to your mind and soul, they have a message for you.

And while it may be imperfect I promise you it’s worth listening to. 

(This post was originally shared on the timesunion.com)